Adloyada

UKIP's still stupid, but Farage has played a blinder on challenging Speaker Bercow

Separated at birth or previous incarnation? The wooden puppet at the centre of this image went under the name of Archie Andrews during the 1950s. He looks uncannily like a younger incarnation of Nigel Farage, Leader of the UK Independence Party

Regular readers of Adloyada will know that, to put it mildly, I am no fan of UKIP or its way of doing politics. But for anyone who hasn't twigged my views on UKIP and their leader, Nigel Farage, I loathe both of them with a passion. We'll get on to the serious politics in a minute, but whenever I've seen pictures or videos of Farage, into my head has popped the name and image of Archie Andrews, one of the regular Sunday lunch listening experiences of my 1950s childhood. And it's always seemed to me that his political brain was likely to have been made of the same material as Archie Andrews'.

However, fair is fair, and credit where credit is due.

I think Nigel Farage's decision to stand against Speaker John Bercow at the next election is a move of real political brilliance, through which he's seized the initiative and wrong-footed all the main political parties. It's almost the ultimate in decapitation strategies for a party trying to build its base on opposition to the traditional political establishment, and particularly on opposition to the cosy agreements by all the main political parties known as "behind the Speaker's chair".

You see, the tradition is that no political party stands against the Speaker, who stands as "Mr Speaker standing for re-election"-- a platform in which he avers all political affiliation and claims to represent the House of Commons as a whole. And what is the collective public view of the House of Commons' members as a whole? And the fact that Speaker John Bercow presides over the Committees which make the rules on and manage MPs' expenses?

Wonder how Bercow will defend presiding over raising MPs' monthly chit-free expenses from £250 to £400 p/m once he got voted in? And how about the fact that helping him do that on the Committee was the entirely beloved Tory superstar Alan Duncan, he of the garden and now living on slightly larger rations than he was before the two of them, Martin-defender Sir Stuart Bell and H.Harman joined him in voting in this change once he became Speaker and just before Parliament went into recess?

David Cameron's failure to go for a total sweep of troughers will come back to haunt him on this. He has now to choose between either standing a Tory to help Bercow and keep UKIP out or standing down and helping UKIP win. 

Labour's also hoist with its own petard in having ensured that nominally Tory but actually Labour-leaning John Bercow got voted in to the Speaker's chair over Tory opposition

You can see the combination of utter dismay and huffing and puffing at the Tory fan site Conservativehome (admirably designed and managed by the very savvy Tim Mongtomerie). Almost all the commentary from the punters (as does Cameron) seriously underestimates the way the public feels and will go on feeling as long as the main political parties try to draw a line under the expenses scandal.

All Farage has to do is just keep publicising the huge hike from £250-£400 per month free of chits to win the fight. He's unanswerable on that one and I would love to see Bercow keep having to try and defend it, especially as he'll have to either defend himself as the apolitical rep of the whole Parliament (main evidence the monthly expenses hike), or he'll have to present himself as Mr Nice Guy opposed to nasty old political meddler. 

He comes over slightly better than Alan Duncan in the Mr Nice Guy role but not that much--another man deeply in love with himself and who has the greatest difficulty in projecting humility other than in relation to his height. Expect lots of use of his excellent work for disabled children, based on his having a disabled child and pictures of him with lovable kids in his Speaker role (they're already up on his website). The BBC and The Guardian will go into total-worship overdrive to support him and present Farage as the Devil Incarnate. Will that be enough to overcome the "Hiked expenses free rides up from £250 to £400." Which way would you vote?

And, by the way, who will be bankrolling and paying for Mr Bercow's election expenses and publicity? That's a nice one.

Farage has also brilliantly put himself in a position where he will get endless publicity for himself and his party beyond anything his backers could dream of bankrolling. It will be one of the highest profile contests throughout the election, and UKIP will be able to take on the mantle of being on the side of the taxpayers and British fair-mindedness in the face of all the vested interests. It should do quite a bit to boost the UKIP vote in other constituencies, and most particularly those with a trougher or otherwise Inglorious Basterd MP in the safest of safe Tory seats. 

Cameron can still outflank Farage by leaving Bercow to his fate and announcing a much more radical approach to his own troughers and troughers in general:

• primaries for all candidates before local constituencies are allowed to select
• nominate public hero no-expenses Tory MP Philip Hollobone onto the Expenses Committees 
• promises to bring in a "vote the rascal out" system which can lead to recall and fresh election at national and local level
• promise to rescind the free-monthly trough hand out and put it back to £250 with chits required.
• Introduction of 100% democracy-- all voters have to vote but have the freedom to write in candidates AND vote for "none of the above"
• Combine that plus "vote the rascal out" and the voters will feel at last that they can do something about parties and troughers who depend for their power base on otherwise impregnable seats.
• Plus it will give much more legitimacy for whoever gets elected.
• And it will send the most powerful of messages to those MPs who feel they're both safe for life and entitled. You know, like Alan Duncan and John Bercow.

Nothing less is going to impress the voters.

Unfortunately, there's not even the remotest chance in hell that the Labour Party will sign up to a programme like that.

And, given what I've said about my views of the nature of Farage's brain composition, I wonder which behind the scenes UKIP-supporting brilliant kid actually thought this one up?

But again, credit where credit is due. Farage deserves huge credit anyway (as I gnash my teeth) for seeing the political genius of it, picking it up and running with it.

Plan for top level changes in NHS management denied by top Executive

The Duke of Omnium has denied top level NHS management changes are imminent on the day a shocking report has been published about National HaulAir Services flight provision for the elderly. 

Omnium is the National HaulAir Service's Second Chief Executive, Executive for Servicing Passsengers, Director of Passenger Announcements, Chief of Grooming Facilities, Director of Public Airport Customer Relations,  Master of In-Flight Entertainment, Head of Chief Executive Management, Manager of Aircraft Trading and Director of After-Dark Arts Programmes. 

He was interviewed this morning, responding to previous speculation about his repeated flights to Flying Boats based in Corfu owned by Derria Spivchap, the Chief Executive of the Russian Executive Flying Boat Service.

 

He has angrily denied that he is seeking to obtain Flying Boat privileges from Mr Spivchap for the Executive Board of the National Haulair Service and related secret negotiations about joint Flying Boat privileges for the executives of the Eton Touring Company and the exclusive Bullingdon Flying Company subsidiary, the Bullingdon Very Private Flying Club.

"Mr Spivchap and I share a long-standing common interest in collecting old brass, he said, which we discovered during the time when he was seeking entry for his Russian Private Executive Flight Service to the United European Air Service Brokerage market during the time when I was Commissioning Executive for Trans-European Air Flights. 

"While, in line with current flight standards for our passengers, we no longer install brass in our latest National Haulair Service passenger aircraft, the very best old brass in the International Air Haul market is that to be seen in Flying Boats, of which Mr Spivchap has a remarkable collection. We even have a friendly rivalry in presenting brassneck displays. 

"Mr Matt Richkid, who has one of the largest collections of family old brass in the world, and has added several outstanding examples of Flying Boats through his shrewd Private Haul Air deals always meets up with us on Spivchap's Corfu Flying Boat to compare and swap our old brass collections. 

"He happens to be an old school chum of George Newborn, Finance Executive of the Bullingdon Flying Company, who has a growing interest in collecting and managing old brass and joins us when Mr Richkid visits. But frankly, he's not in our league. And he ruffled a lot of feathers last year by misquoting my praise of Gordon Macavity as "an incomparable flightmaster" to the press as "an incomparable disaster".

The Duke has also brushed aside the speculation that has resulted from his recent move from the Senior Executive Suite in the VIP Arrival Lounge of Heathrow Airport, where he has been sited during the relatively short time since he was granted his Dukedom, to the Senior Executive Suite in the VIP Departure Lounge. 

He dismissed speculation that provisions in the new Executive guidelines for members of the VIP lounge to be allowed to renounce their membership of the Lounge and move into the Senior Executive Suites in the Security Lounges are of any significance.

"I have no intention whatsoever of becoming Chief Executive of the National Haulair Service, he said. I am devoting myself in my current roles to improving the flying experiences of hard working passengers, supporting our outstanding Chief Executive Gordon Macavity and making sure the planes fly on time. 

Our National Haulair Service is the envy of the world. 

We have met our target, a record for the National Haulair Service, of holding fatal air crashes down to just  five percent of the total. Our thoughts of course are with the families, and we are constantly setting up new enquiries to identify ways to improve our service. The number of passenger infections arising from inadequately serviced plane seats and undercooked in-flight meals is now below that of any Third World Haul Air Service. The recent survey of disappointing results from our special free flights programme for the elderly has spurred us to improve further. We are today setting up an urgent enquiry which is expected to report in three years' time. We do not rest on our laurels. Our record is the envy of the world.

"Flights are always free from the point of the Passengers' Departure Lounge, and no-one will ever be asked to pay for a ticket at the point of boarding the plane.

"Gordon Macavity is doing a superb job, constantly investing in our National Haulair Service by printing money to buy more planes, employ more pilots and flight attendants and cut down waiting times for free flights.

 

"Donald Poltroon and his Eton Touring Club Company and their pathetic and privileged premium class passenger cartel at the Bullingdon Flying Company have no alternatives to offer whatsoever, and are trying to keep their plan to make 20% cuts in free flights carefully hidden from passengers. But our passengers aren't taken in by their ruses. And they know that the number of fatal crashes would soar if they were to succeed in securing the new contract for the National Haulair Service. 

"We are not surprised that the Eton Touring Club Company's Strasbourg Executive Mr Hardman, who constantly carps about our low 5% fatal crash record, has turned out to be a admirer of discredited West Midlands Conservative Air Race Executive, the late Mr Egot Badsmell, on the very day that another scurrilous report has come out which seeks to smear the proud record of our much-loved National Haul Air Service.

"The continuing huge enthusiasm for our Twitter Microflights  #welovethenhs free mini-flights service proves that our passengers know that we at HardLabour are the natural Executive of the National Haulair Service."

Exclusive: Gordon breaks silence on Libyan transfer issue

Gordon Macavity, leader of the UK National Haulair Service has at last broken his surprising silence on the Libyan transfer issue.

"The decision to upgrade Mr Al-Legman onto an exclusive private jet flight commissioned by the Libyan Al Jamahirya Air Service run by its owner Captain Muamar Al-CrimeLord was the responsibility of the Scottish Haulair Service", he said. 

"The decision will have been made by the Scottish Haulair Service in line with their local Primary Charter Tariff guidelines. You will know that the Primary Charter Tariff Director Mr MacPoorskill has identified compassionate grounds on which Libyan passengers found guilty of sabotaging flights, leading to unfortunate fatal plane crashes may be upgraded onto exclusive private jet flights commissioned by Captain Al-CrimeLord.

"This is a matter for the Scottish Haulair Service. I have no further comments to make."

Questioned by hordes of reporters on the significance for Mr Al-Legman's upgrade of the exclusive Flight Passenger Exchange Provision Contract between the UK National Haul Air Service-Libyan Al Jamahirya Air Service for private jet flight upgrades for passengers found guilty of sabotaging flights, Mr Macavity stated, "The decision to upgrade Mr Al-Legman onto an exclusive private jet flight commissioned by the Libyan Al Jamahirya Air Service run by its owner Captain Muamar Al-CrimeLord was the responsibility of the Scottish Haulair Service. It was a decision made by the Scottish Haulair Service. I have no further comments to make."

Pressed further by reporters on the fact that the exclusive UK-Libyan Flight Passenger Exchange Provision Contract is one which covers the Scottish Haulair Service, which is in fact a wholly owned subsidiary of the UK National Haulair Service, so must have involved Mr Macavity in agreeing the upgrade under its terms, Macavity said, "It was a decision made by the Scottish Haulair Service. It falls within their area of responsibility. I have no further comments to make." 

Questioned on whether the decision to upgrade Mr Al-Legman had been influenced by the recently signed Aircraft Fuel Contract signed by the UK National Haulair Service with the Libyan Aircraft Fuelwell service owned by Captain Muamar Al-CrimeLord, Mr Macavity said, "That is a most deplorable suggestion. The decision to upgrade Mr Al-Legman was a matter for the Scottish Haulair Service.

"The Aircraft Fuel Contract will enable us to continue to offer all our UK passengers flights which are free at the point of boarding the plane. Our National Haulair Service is the envy of the world. Our passengers will never be asked to pay for a flight at the door of a plane. We have improved our service enormously through huge investment. Flight waiting times are now down to a maximum of eighteen weeks. The emergency air flight service has improved even more. Passengers now have a maximum waiting time of five hours before they board an emergency flight. We have reduced the number of flights which result in fatal crashes to just five per cent, a reduction of seventeen percent since 1997. Our hearts go out to the families. We are working very hard to reduce that further.

"The recent US controversies about the Obama Flight Plan service have resulted in a huge outpouring of spontaneous support from thousands of our passengers, organised by Mrs Macavity, who have taken up the #welovethenhs campaign. So huge has been this spontaneously organized campaign that it even led to an unfortunate fatal crash in the Twitter Microflight Service a week ago. Our hearts go out to the families.  However, our passengers continue to flood the Twitter Microflight Service, now back to normal service levels, with their #welovethenhs mini-flights. I have spent many hours with Mrs Macavity reading through the ecstatic comments of the #welovethenhs passengers. Here's an example from a Mrs Trellis of South Wales. It says, "I had a free flight to Paris. My elderly dad is just back from a free flight to Oslo. #welovethenhs." And I can tell you that's absolutely typical of our passengers. We in the UK love our National Haulair Service, financed by careful but ever-increasing spending from our equitably priced progressive direct and indirect tax budget. Even the very poorest in the land will never have to wait more than eighteen weeks for a long-haul flight. Every single flight is free at the point of boarding the plane.

"By contrast, passengers in the US have to pay out in full for tickets before they can board a plane. They will not even be allowed onto an emergency flight unless they can show they have paid in full for a ticket. Families can find themselves faced with bills of thousands of pounds for routine overseas flights. Can you imagine that? What's more they have to choose between dozens of different Haulair Services without knowing that they have a National Haulair Service to fall back on which will never charge for a flight at the plane door. No wonder millions of Americans have never made an overseas flight."

Mr Macavity announced that he would today be meeting Captain Notknowyou, head of the Israel Haulair Service, in a bid to help negotiations over the long standing flight slot disputes between the IHS and the newly formed Palestinian Radical HostAir Service. Despite the continuing internal splits between the RadicalMarxistArmedStruggle and the RadicalIslamistHostageandBomb executive wings of the emerging Palestinian Radical HostAir Service, we are confident that a future flight management plan can be agreed. However, the IHS must first agree to stop taking flight slots which we consider have been internationally allocated to the Palestinian Radical HostAir Service. We are also aware of Captain Notknowyou's concerns about the regrettable threats of the Iranian Islamic PeacefulNuclear Haul Air Service to close down the Israel Haulair Service. However, we insist that this is not a reason for considering a pre-emptive closedown by the Israel Haulair Service of the Iranian Islamic PeacefulNuclear Haul Air Service.

By working together in the International Haulair Quartet, we are working on solving these problems under the inspirational leadership of Obama Flight Plan President Barak Obama and myself. I shall be getting on with the job. I know that hard-working families going through difficult times expect nothing less than that"

Mr Donald Poltroon, the fresh-faced and eager candidate to replace Mr Macavity when the five year contract renewal comes up next year said, "The decision to upgrade Mr Al-Legman was a disgrace. It should not have been done. 

"The National Haulair Service is absolutely safe with us. We shall spend just as much money as Mr Macavity and his executives. We will find ways to ensure that we reduce the number of fatal crashes below five percent. And passengers will never have to pay for a ticket at the door of the plane. Our National Haulair Service is a great national treasure which we all love. 

"I am confident but not complacent that our Eton Touring Company and its subsidiary Bullingdon Private Touring Flights will be selected by the passengers of the UK when the National Haulair Service contract comes up for renewal. Passengers everywhere have realised that the HardLabour Air Plan has failed miserably and that Mr Macavity has lost the confidence of the nation. 

"That is why he has been skulking in the Security Class Lounge of the Kirkaldy Airport for the last four weeks."